No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
