hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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