What did we do last night that was yellow?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
