we made out on top of his cat.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
