I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
