i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
