Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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