Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
