Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
