i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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