He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
