I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
