bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
