Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize