I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
