Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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