I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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