Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
