Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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