I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
