What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
