You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
