i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
