I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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