I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
