I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
