Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
