Where did you get a picture of my penis
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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