i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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