i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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