if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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