dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
