Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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