I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
