Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
