You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
