You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
