last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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