i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
