Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
