she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is it because I queefed?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
a search helicopter?!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
