Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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