is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
