why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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