Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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