apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
