the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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