I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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