Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
