Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
