I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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