I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
