I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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