are you still at the devil's house?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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