i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
