Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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