textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
